Afraid

The absence of mother’s love.
A father that wasn’t in present in my life at all, or remotely long enough.
Step father rendered a sharp knife instead of love and it cuts.
Amounting wounds flayed wide that never healed, despite me biting the stick and sewing them shut.

And then I had you.
The lone saving grace gone too soon.
An angel gone from my life and the world too.

I’m afraid. I’m all alone.

I’m afraid of this thought.
This idea of being alone.
Surround by people that say they love me.
Secretly facing this fear everyday coming home.

You’re in my life here and now, but someday I know they will leave.
By death, by choice, or by me being me.
Everyone leaves me. Here’s how, you’ll see.

Some stay long enough for me to fuck it all up, but no one stays long enough for me to get it right.
Some pass through – a wayward traveler searching for their next curiosity.
Then stealing off into the night.
Some leave me behind because life has sniffed out their light.

It’s only a matter of time, before my inability to open up and truly love will chase you out of my life too.

Or my biggest fear, you’ll be taken from me once I do.

Once more you’ll all be gone and I’ll be alone.
I’m afraid and I hate this albatross picking at my bones.

Darren Deason 02/11/2020