A wise woman once said to me, you are the company you keep. Her seventy years of life experiences should have made me stop and think, but a few nights later I found myself with a rough crowd that really liked to drink.
A night on the town and a couple of frat boys acting tough at the beach. What should have only been a small scuff turned into a full scale throw down – up until the cops showed up and started knocking all of us around.
Man, I ended up in the back of a cop car headed to the jailhouse downtown.
The following morning upon my release, there stood my grandmother wearing a scowl.
And yes – if you’re wondering, she most definitely wasn’t pleased.
With a shake of her head “next time I’ll have them throw away the damn keys. One of these days Darren, you’ll actually listen to me.”
That ride home the silence in the car was beyond deafening.
I know you’re upset, that’s easy to see.
I know you’re disappointed, but this silence is killing me.
Don’t make me ride all the way home carrying this grief.
I swear I’ll listen this time.
Just say something, please.
Later that year I found myself luck with the ladies. I was home on a long weekend away from the military and I brought home with me my -then- current fling. We were staying at my grandmother’s house and she wasn’t impressed when she caught us in a risky act of intimacy.
She shook her head and turned away.
“When your finished, I’ll be in the kitchen come talk to me.”
I washed up and put fresh clothes on, not knowing what my grandmother would say or how things would be. I knew she was disappointed, but I couldn’t just walk away or leave. So I walked to the kitchen and there she sat at the kitchen table with a bag of tobacco and a cigarette rolling machine.
She looked me in the eyes and said “look around Darren don’t you see, where is your mom? Just like her when you were conceived, you’re much too young to risk having a baby – accidentally. Just be safe and please, just for once listen to me. There are other things than just the risk of babies too, you could even catch an STD.”
With a slight smile, “you need to make sure she’s the one, because dealing with a broken heart ain’t easy.”
A year later I was still with that same girl, but now she was pregnant and our relationship was quickly deteriorating. Grandmother’s words came to fruition when that girl ended up cheating on me.
Man, if that didn’t sting.
That level pain and heartache is debilitating so I decided on something extreme. Suicide isn’t something to take lightly, but with a noose in hand and a broken heart I wanted to take the jump and let my body swing. I ended up on the floor, weak and defeated – effectively being brought to my spiritual knees.
In that moment I realized only one person in my life would have cried for me. Finding my strength, I dialed her number and when she answered I explained everything. The moments after dragged on forever with the silence on the line becoming deafening.
I know you’re upset. I know you’re disappointed, but this silence is killing me. I swear I’ll listen this time.
Grandmother say something, please.
Life seems to have a cruel sense of humor because I now understand the biggest lessons my grandmother tried to teach me; It’s a few years too late but damn it if I didn’t miss the moments – to say something.
All these years later, I now see the wisdom in the times words were left unsaid and it’s meaning. I thought the silence was to hurt, but it was meant as an opportunity – to formulate an constructive response after deep objective thinking.
I know now only a wise woman could have succeeded in raising me and after thirty two years I finally have an understanding. I love her and I sometimes imagine how proud she would be, but now only in my dreams do we get to speak – she’s been gone since 2017.
If you love someone, take time to understand each moment and what direction to lead – to objectively or subjectively think, just don’t miss your opportunity to say I Love You by taking too long to say something – please.
Darren Deason 07/08/2020
Phoenix From Words 